I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
