just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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