Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
