Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
