I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
