you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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