i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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