I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
