it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
