I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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