and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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