I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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