I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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