The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
