Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
