JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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