i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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