Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
