bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
