I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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