I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
