I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
