I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
