Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
