We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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