so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
