are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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