I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
