she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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