Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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