Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
