They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
