I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
