Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Did I show you my penis last night?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
