recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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