I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
