I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
