I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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