I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
