I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
