broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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