you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
