Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
