you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
