A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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