No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
