Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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