Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
4 words: hood of his car
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Randomize
