Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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