I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
