Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
