if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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